a welcomed change

The leaves have almost completely covered the backyard, and there are leaves to fall. The wind whistles through its thin teeth and no one seems to mind. For weeks we have watched from windows, seen colors changing, but not talked about it. One night, when we went to gather another load of wood, we heard the dead leaves crunch beneath our feet. Now a light snow has begun to touch the trees and the woodpile, first fingerprinting them, then blurring, blending everything in. Someday, I may get around to saying what I've been thinking for months. (Leaves by William Virgil Davis)

A new season has quickly arrived. The days are shorter and the nights come too soon. Evidence of my fall garden is starting to emerge from the ground. Greenery gives way to gold and crimson. A welcomed cool wind arrives each evening at sunset. And I'm counting the days until I hold my daughter in my arms.

I thought I would speak, share my thoughts and experiences more throughout this pregnancy. But I've found rest in the quiet, the stillness. A silent nurturance. This time last year motherhood was a dream, a fragile hope. A gift I wondered if I would ever receive. It still feels surreal. After many moments of loss and disappointment, discussing infertility and holding onto a shaky hope, I still find myself weeping over this child I have been given. 

Week by week I have watched my belly grow. I've felt the small flutters turn to kicks and jabs. I often lie awake at night and talk to her. Pray over her. I imagine every sweet moment beginning with our first moment together.

They say motherhood changes you. As I reflect on the past nine months I know I am already forever changed. My soul has been on a journey of letting go, relinquishing, giving generously, acquiring balance, finding rest and solace. This little life inside me has already taught me so much about freedom and bravery.

A new season of harvest and abundance, of discovery and change is welcomed.

 

two pink lines (that changed everything)

There were two pink lines staring up at me.

I'm pretty sure my husband reacted first. He smiled and whispered Wow!

I went throughout the rest of my day and I couldn't tell you now what I did, what I ate or who I talked to. It was all a blur. I carried that pregnancy test around with me in a plastic bag. I couldn't stop looking at it. TWO pink lines. And at my core, I felt relief, joy and peace. But what I noticed more than anything was the absence of fear. When you've experienced loss enough times, fear and doubt can easily find their way in. But not this time.

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Twelve weeks has passed since that day and I'm overjoyed to say that we have heard our baby's heartbeat. Healthy and oh so strong. My body has begun to change rapidly. I feel this pregnancy changing me in emotional and spiritual ways as well. Each day, each new symptom, I feel more and more peace. Max talks to my belly every day, sharing his humorous words of wisdom with our child. We eagerly wait for the time I feel those first kicks. We toss names around, research local birthing classes, work slowly on our birth plan. Some days it feels so surreal, mostly it's becoming more and more real with each passing day.

Soon I'll begin sharing more about how I'm keeping healthy during this pregnancy, the birth plan we're creating and much more. For now, celebrate with us? We have much to be thankful for.