It's 4am (again.) I'm half awake, nursing a little one who I swear grew since I put her to bed less than 8 hours ago. I listen to the rain intensify outside until my sweet girl drifts off to sleep in my arms.
8:30 and my phone alarm wakes me from a deep sleep. Husband and baby are both snoring inches away. My yoga mat waits for me in the next room but I linger, wondering how long this quiet moment will last.
It's noon and she's sitting in her chair watching intently as I make lunch for the two of us. Leftover peanut stir fry for me, carrot and apple puree for her.
The sun is fading into the horizon just as I enjoy the last sip of lemonade. The porch swing creaks as I move closer and lean my head on his shoulder. I love these moments, celebrating yet another day as a little family of three.
The clock glares at me. 10:05pm. I should have gone to bed earlier. I sit up from the couch, fold my blanket and go in search of anything that I find out of place. A forgotten tea cup on the windowsill next to a book yet to be opened and explored. A pair of baby socks on the ground next to the nightstand. A half eaten protein bar. A lone nursing pad. Empty water bottles.
These are the recurrent patterns of my life now. Ordinary, even mundane moments that I too often take for granted.
Motherhood looks very different than I had imagined. During the time that infertility plagued me I longed for all the joys that came with a newborn. It's the trials and challenges, tears and boredom that have caught me by surprise. There was a time no so long ago I would gain a new stamp on the pages of my passport each month. I would dance until dawn, share stories with friends late into the night, take a spontaneous road trip or create a dinner party for six in less than a day. It's wild how quickly life changes. Five months into this journey of being a mother, I admit I am still out of my comfort zone most days. I don't recognize the woman I have become. I smile when I'm told that motherhood "suits me" but on the inside I sometimes scream I have no idea how I'm doing this, I'm just winging it! I falter and fail. But each day I uncover new unexpected joys.
One day I will long for life to be this simple again. For now I embrace the ordinary knowing its exactly where I'm supposed to be.
“I have realized; it is during the times I am far outside my element that I experience myself the most. That I see and feel who I really am, the most! I think that's what a comet is like, you see, a comet is born in the outer realms of the universe! But it's only when it ventures too close to our sun or to other stars that it releases the blazing "tail" behind it and shoots brazen through the heavens! And meteors become sucked into our atmosphere before they burst like firecrackers and realize that they're shooting stars! That's why I enjoy taking myself out of my own element, my own comfort zone, and hurling myself out into the unknown. Because it's during those scary moments, those unsure steps taken, that I am able to see that I'm like a comet hitting a new atmosphere: suddenly I illuminate magnificently and fire dusts begin to fall off of me! I discover a smile I didn't know I had, I uncover a feeling that I didn't know existed in me... I see myself. I'm a shooting star. A meteor shower. But I'm not going to die out. I guess I'm more like a comet then. I'm just going to keep on coming back.” ― C JoyBell C.